What’s one positive trait you’ve gained because of BPD?
10.06.2025 06:39
My family never makes their pension either.
He said i reminded him of an old aunt ,who used to beat him, and when the menapause came, she was placed in a mental home and never was released ,until she died.
I forgave my father, and i took care of him ,until his death in 1999..my mum left us on the 29th Jan 1998.
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He isn,t a very sexual person at the best of times!
So, i spoilt her more .
5 of us kids, and it wasn’t a big house.
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I don,t even have a pension.
What did i know ?
Its a big thing in the States for the last 25 years.
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One cannot hold on to bitterness.
I suffer greatly, because of BPD..
At this time i had honed my heart to the same, as that of a lion and i knew i wouldn’t beg or cry ,nor plead.
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But, we were locked up after school.
As is all addictions, people can’t leave off.
Another so called friend had bit the dust..
What should I do if I love someone who does not love me?
As i gave and gave ,everything to people, they began to use me.
For him, I cleaned and cooked and shopped, and spent the whole day, doing a weeks work) in the only day off, i had, besides Sunday.)
Thats being isolated in a house, locked up as a child .We never saw any people except in School and we had no relatives in Liverpool!
And don,t forget my 4 months alone, in the incubator. Knowing my brother in the womb and my mother voice .The baby knows she’s alone!
My familys so full of ancestral BIG T Trauma.
She found it foreign!.
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He took out the hammer, and explained again, how the smallest tap ,of this hammer would kill me in a second.
Rather to engertic for me ,with my terrible health, but i was left to run the house, it was a Cottage in Dorset.
On the 31st of Jan this month .
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But im an empath, and i help lots of people.
Insight, and i can spot a wrongin from 3 miles away.
I did it because my mum asked me too!
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All the time i was locked up.
I was scared of men, in general
He was a brick layer (when he worked at all) and he carried his tools around ,hanging from a money belt.
How much should one budget to travel for 1 month generally?
So whats the point in blame.
And i lived it daily.
The only rule us 5 kids had .
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I wasn’t taught any boundries, our home ,was like any war zone , and Dad told us, he had bodies buried, under the floor boards.
With Catholic nuns and Church on Sundays.
And if you hold on to hate you only die inside yourself,!
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This is how, and why children get BPD.
Also my liver and lungs are fatally diseased!
She was deluded, and thought she could stay on for the reminder of the holiday!
Does having the wrong address on my car insurance invalidate my policy?
We wern’t close any more, the family fractured, after my Mothers death, and seeing me annoyed them ,as i was the familys scapegoat..
But ive been too sick for many years..
As she had lost her son ,to fatty liver disease!
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My life is so biszare .
I said to her
BPD only comes to a person who has suffered childhood trauma.
We all went to grammer schools
19 years ,i spent with dear old papa.
I had many talking therapys , but they just don,t work.
I was writing from the time i was a small child.
That life, was meant to be , as the world teaches us great lessons, and leaves us many gifts.
Its like, taking poison, and hoping the other person will die.
His mum and dad ,were Alcoholics!
My dad was a alcholic psychopath, and violent in the extreme.
Yes, a stroke or heart attack is the reason on your death certificate.
He said i’d end up like her, and he laughed his big rolicking bear of a laugh!
I will be 64.
And as she herself ,wasn’t kissed or touched as a child.
I watched his eyes light up and his twisted smile rejoice, in his joy of it all.
You’d think that being brought up for so long, in those terrible circumsatances ,i would know the ways of people ,and the world, but i wasn,t in , nor of the world .
I had offered the whole expense of the holiday to her, free.
Like some twisted love , they where addicted to each other
Comes on , in middle age.
And i know him well ,and every thing about him. This relationship, is the only real one iIve been able to keep!
Why ? because Trauma depletes the immune system.you get terribley ill , with chronic disease from all the horror ,and stress of it.
As i said though i will be 64 on my last birthday!
But it has taught me many things other people will , never know!
He call us down, from where ever he stashed each one of us ,that day ! We were kept seperate.!
My place (mostly )was the coal hole..it was a small room heaped with coal .
But people really die of the Big T Trauma!!
He resisted the act ,that day.
I could never make a relationship work though!
He’d bring us out ,and we would form the position .
They are buried together, in the same grave..
They look at me amazed ,and ask me how i could possibly know it?
Its mostly always from childhood abuse .
I am a twin , my twin is a boy called Alan. I had a sister and 2 other brothers
Trauma never leaves you! Its actually lives in the fashia ,of the body .The connective tissue.
(And it was in our own minds.)
Although we always gave her a kiss on the cheek. She would shrink away from it!
I immediatly know and see what their chidhood was. I tell them you had a awful time in childhood.
She stayed with him because she thought he,d grow out of it. He didn’t of course!
I let him have the joy of his friends( that i would never know myself.!)
Put me off passion for life!!
Although he,d calmed down a bit ..he still shouted his orders at me and thought , my older sister would be better at the job..
Because , i didnt have the heart to hurt my friend.!.
Im dying but, im not bitter.
I think the readers, may guess!
Due to the real legacy of trauma (B.P.D)
Took her away on holiday ,with us, my 2 pugs her dog, a Jack Russell.
He had many friends, who didn,t know the home devil he was, for his sake ,i never enlighted them either.
Because huge Trauma like mine is alive.
When he wanted one of his lessons to be taught!
We were all going out this night to a fancy resteraunt.
Mine was extreme ,and lasted 19 years
I never cut or harmed myself..
Why did i forgive my father ?
I write beautiful poetry .
But my sister and my other 3 brothers wouldn’t have come near him every again!
I only knew my twisted world , and there, is no choice for a child but to live in it. Or Die in it!
A line in front of him, from the eldest to the youngest.
I was very sick at this time too.
He knew the spot.
This is soul school!.
But it wasn’t much.
He was dying to do it , i knew.
The same beautiful brown eyes my mother loved so much!
One was a lump hammer, another was a iron chisel.
She said her life with him ,was love, and spoke to me of all the passion, it had brought her.
I might have to go back 30 generations or more..
I ended up cooking for her, and bringing her eveywhere with us.
But there where , these other acts only us 2 girls, would receive, (When id have rather had his lump hammer , and chisel.).
Being very nice and never wanting to say the wrong thing.
Im a true spealist, because i study it for years .And i still do..
Youll pack your bags and leave Dorset.
Was to survive, this bastard.
Then later on when my husband had gone to the bar..she started telling me, that they where having a affair, and that he loved her much more then me ,and other loads of visious lies.
Everytime, i saw a chronically ill person in middle years.
We born here on earth , for the soul to learn , the contrast, of heaven.
She married twice! .
I of course replied” arh beautiful!
As his daughter ,he didn’t even think I wouldn,t do it. (Look after him)
Stress hormones Adrenaline and Cortosol ,would have flooded my brain, and they never left it!!!!
She loved him until the end.
You don’ t get a state one here , in England ? until your at least 67 yrs old ! Im 63.
His abuse (his own) began at 2 years of age. His mothers friend, sexually abused him, from the age of 2.
And, all my friends down the years ,where users.
When she asked me how she looked .
My mother wasn’t a tactile women ..only as babes could she touch us. After we grew ,she couldn,t touch any of us.
The apprentership one gets in Extreme Big T Trauma childhood is insight and extreme awarness.
I couldn’t, believe it.
Ther’s very good reasons why i was left alone.
Ive learnt so much.
Who then, do I blame.?
I did write a poem about him though, and my mum.
She died young (from the stress and abuse of Big T Trauma) of liver cancer!
Her first husband, had been a gay man ,and he was a lovely person.
My mum and dad in the seventies!
Especially a lifetime of it.
But he said ,he was sick of her anyway ,and only put up with her as i had a friend ,and seemed to be happy.
I know ,a lot about trauma.
And ive living now since 2005, on disablement .(Which is a pittance)
And who doesn’t know suffering?
She was in good health!
So he went home with my mum to her 2 other children.
I was 9 years of age.
Where the ultimate outsiders.
I was seconnd youngest,
But i went to school ,and was locked up evey evening , until he was off out on a bender..then mum would set us free, and we,d be bouncing off the walls,
My twin will have involuntary pissed himself, but not me at least not, that day!
She wouldn,t have been !
The coal was sharp, and i usually had no underware! So my bare arse ,was cut and rossened on the coal..
I was grabbed out of my mother hung upside down, and rushed up to the prenatal ward, to spend 4 mths alone, with, only medical staff.
Even in the coal hole, i said the lines in my head..
I only stopped writing poetry recently, because , of my brain tumor
So i became my fathers slave and he hated me the most.
I got to know the terrible awful childhood, he had himself. And his Jolly Pub Persona.
As i do to all so called friends.?
Trauma lives in the body, as ive explained, but it actually this that kills you in the end.
It comes from Big T Trauma and is no fault of anyone who has it.
Those are used to try and block the pain, like that of my life out..
Im kind ,and give many things, inc money ,to any of persons in need. I have a groups of homeless beggars ..i help out daily. They all know me by name!
Then he’ d take out his beloved lump hammer ,show it to the kids.
We could never speak unless he spoke to us!
We didn’t no it wasn;t normal life..we were isolated, and taken from Dublin in Ireland ,where our whole mothers family lived , to Liverpool in England!
She was a women, a mother with her own children!.
She got all dolled up, but it looked as she was dressed up to play the part of , Florence Nightingale ,as she descended down the cottage stairs ,like a Queen.
Anyway, i told my husband ,and he was gobsmacked.
Im constanly in a state of FLIGHT or FIGHT my whole life
Thats was my nicest nick name for him
One of his many names for me was Runt .He like that it rhymed with (well you know)
One women pretended to my husband she wanted to see me for coffee ,and make friends.
I have no regrets .
He’d sit me down, and stand behind the chair, Then he’d make a great show of his beauty (the chesil )and place it behind my neck ,at the base!
I worked then as a chef ,and a very good one.
He did pay me though, i made him (.After i’d trudged miles to get his pension ) Before ,it all was gone, over the pubs counter!
Im still living with it.
She died at 55 of colon cancer.
Anyway ,i could never hold on to a relationship.
.I left my 2 sons and my husband to do it. Instead of spending the day with them
We were not on the streets..
But i am married 43 years to my husband this July !
One cannot live in the past .
It was going to be , some day.
I was the most vunerable of my siblings. I was born small ,and was sickly ,and of course none of us could ever thrive!
He weighed in at 5 lbs .I was the second born, and i weighed 3 and a half pounds.
Would this be the day?
But im a psyci anyway, and i read energy and people, .
It will be my last birthday ,as im dying of a brain tumor and 8 other autoimune diseases.
But im dying ,and its too late for me.
The only way to get rid of it forgood ,is sommence therapy,
I had hoped to write a book about this .
I waited trembling.
Your thinking ,but those kids would have been street wise?
I forgave my father,, and in those years i cleaned and looked after him .
And as runt ,of the litter .Which of course, i actually was!
I do have abandomment issues but they come from being left alone ,without my mum, or any of my family in a incubator for 4 months.
Do all the shopping, and cooking and look after all the dogs.
Why do we forgive? Because if we don,t
My only sister also couldn,t make her life work.
And when you live in a life , of being terrified, and shocked, and permantly stressed; especially as a child born in to all this .